I cried tonight, but not with tears. I groaned recognizing a pain in my heart and a lump in my throat that could not be swallowed. My ears rung and my eyes swam in an attempt to hold back a flood for I knew that if the tears came they wouldn’t stop at least not for awhile.
No one died. Nothing really traumatic occurred.
But what did happen stopped me cold. I witnessed something that left me broken, and then I encountered the heart of God.
I tasted a hint of the tragedy reserved for the mother who has lost a child. I felt a touch of the pain known to those who are estranged from a loved one. I carried for a moment the weight of being hated, unloved and unappreciated. Ultimately, I embraced the reality of a lost and hurting individual who is separated from God.
When was the last time you cried?
God is reconnecting me with my emotions. For a while I didn’t want to have anything to do with emotion. Writing and music fell by the wayside because for me those two activities require a great deal of passion and vulnerability. As a result it was easier to put them away rather than deal with the burden of having to feel so strongly.
Passion is dangerous. Once you open the door to such a strong emotion the pendulum can swing just as easily in the other direction. But one of the things I love about God is how he can take my emotion and do something totally out of my character. He can move me outside of myself and propel me to pray. He can show me his heart and give me a passion for His desires. So maybe it would be more accurate to state that God is reconnecting me with His emotion.
Yes I will pray tonight, but I will not pray as one who has no hope. I will pray as a child – broken, weak and needy, yet confident that my Father loves me and will answer my cries.
Maybe someone did die a little tonight. I pray that I would die a little more tomorrow and the day after that. “He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Matthew 16:24-26